Sunday, July 18, 2010, @ 4:26 PM
Bullshits from the heart.
I'm REALLY FUCKING tired of all this diet.
Is this a girl's curse or something? This feeling that keeps telling us to be perfect, get super skinny, be fashionable, learn make up, and etcetera. Even the skinny 29 kg girls sometimes think they're still fat. He didn't wanna be with me at first cause I'm fat, so I always get the feeling that he'll immediately dump me the second I add a pound or two. That's why I'm so paranoid (even more paranoid after he said it)
The truth is I HATE MYSELF. I look myself in the mirror and wish my face is someone else's face. Every time someone says "You're pretty" or "You're beautiful", I'm forced to say "Thanks" when what I really wanna say is "Are you blind or something?".
So I'm doing all these diets for 2 reasons : 1. for him, 2. for me to like myself. I've been struggling now for 3 months and have lost 10 kg but some people STILL say I look fat. So it's not enough? How much should I loose? 20 KG? 30 KG? 30 KG so people would see a difference on how hard I've tried?
Cause right now no one sees, and it hurts. It seriously hurts.
I really wish I wanna die. Someone just take a gun and shoot me in the head.
Let me tell you how these past years have been like for me, it's like being told "you're not good enough", "you're not good enough" over and over again. I'm really trying, I really am. I've tried loosing weight, I tried dressing up, I wear high heels, I fix my hair, fix my face, fix my grades, take more extra lessons, do my home works, make more friends, study photography, study english, and so much that i'm so FUCKING tired of waiting for someone to FINALLY say "YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH"
I've tried to stop listening to comments people give but I can't, cause you and I both know that THEY DO MATTER.
So how much longer should I try?
When can they finally say "you're good enough"? When can I stop trying to be?
But to be honest, maybe now "you're good enough" won't be enough to heal me anymore.
